So, I guess since you’re here to read about my crazy life, I suppose I should tell you a little bit about myself. Here’s a bit about me in a random list of facts.
- I am a 26-year-old SAHM of one 2-year-old son & three crazy dogs.
- I’m married to the best man in the entire universe. We’re perfect for each other & I adore him. He hangs the moon & stars for me. We’ve only been married a few months, but we’ve been together (& lived together) for 5 years.
- I am very tired. I’m one of those people who does not cope well without 8+ hours of sleep. Of course, between my kid, my husband, & my dogs, I very rarely ever get that.
- Therefore, I am a coffee addict. Don’t expect me to ever be happy or patient or coherent before I’ve had my big cup of joe. My brain in the morning = useless!
- I am also addicted to Facebook. We live a ways away from our very large family & Facebook is the best way for me to
stalk themshare photos & keep up with what’s going on. (Plus, who wants to go to their class reunion when you can just stalk your former classmates online?)
- And let’s not forget that I’m addicted to chocolate, sweets, & reading.
- I shop for diapers & household products at Diapers.com & its sister site Soap.com because
I’m too lazy to drive 20 minutes to the nearest Wal-Martit’s cheaper that way. Seriously though, since they came out with their loyalty programs, it really is cheaper that way & they deliver everything right to your doorstep. I wish I’d thought of this brilliant idea first.
- I have a rather irreverent take on motherhood & wifeliness. Life is too short to take everything so seriously & try to be perfect. I would rather be me, thank you very much.
- It has often been brought to my attention that I’m somewhat of a smartass, & while I’m well aware that not everyone thinks I’m as hilarious as I think I am, smartassery is my way of laughing at everything (including myself) so that I don’t spend days on end crying instead. If you don’t like my jokes, please feel free to not read my blog.
- I am my mother’s only child, but have a brother & a sister through my dad.
- I’m a child of divorce. My parents split up when I was about 15 months old & I’ve been raised up by my mom & her parents. My papa died when I was 7; since then, my mom, gramma, & I shared the same house until I moved away. (Although I’m quite sure my mom thought she’d never get rid of me…I came & went & came back & went & came back, until I was 23)
- My mom is my hero. Although we had plenty of differences growing up, she did a hell of a job raising me & making sure I never wanted for anything. While I used to practically live to piss her off & rebel against her, we’ve grown very close these last few years & I couldn’t be happier about that. I love you, Mom.
- I grew up in a suburb of Dallas, a city of 114,000 people & home to 3 large universities & colleges. My high school graduating class was over 600 students strong. There is every store, fast food joint, restaurant, & entertainment option that you could possibly think of (& then some).
- I’ve lived in South Texas, went to school in both Houston & Dallas, & worked in Galveston. These years of my life spent commuting to school & work have led me to despise traffic.
- We’ve also lived in an air force base city at the base of a mountain range in New Mexico (pop. 30,000) & a medium-sized city in southern Oklahoma (pop. 25,000), which gave me mild culture shock, but still had enough to do & to eat that they were tolerable (and at least they had Wal-Marts).
- I currently live in a tiny Oklahoma town (aka The Middle of F***ing No Where) that has 3 stoplights & a population of 3,000. We’re surrounded by a 17,000 acre wildlife refuge, so when I say TMFNW, believe me, I mean it. Major culture shock.
- While I may gripe about living in TMFNW, there are some perks. There’s fishing & swimming holes galore close-by, upclose encounters with many different kinds of wildlife, beautiful scenery, too many stars to even count at night, & a whole lot of peace & quiet. Oh yeah…NO TRAFFIC!!!
- I am the happiest when I’m beside some body of water soaking up the sun. I prefer the ocean & the beach, but I’m perfectly content with a lake, river, or pool. We went to Port Aransas on our honeymoon & it was the most fun, relaxing time I’ve had in ages, even though we were both deathly ill with a nasty upper respiratory infection.
- I don’t believe in coincidences; I do believe in fate, destiny, & astrology. I think that God has a fabulous sense of humor, but not quite as hilarious as Karma’s.
- I couldn’t live without music. I’m a fan of every different kind of music out there. My iPod is loaded with thousands of songs from all genres. And I constantly
brainwashexpose my son to these wonderful tunes so that he’ll have awesome taste in music someday like we do.
- I am very close to my mother-in-love. I talk to her just about every day. I have one MIL that I despise (my hubby’s birth mom), one MIL that I take flowers & letters to lay on her grave (the stepmother that raised him), & one MIL that I love to pieces that I swear sometimes is a twin soul to me (the stepmother that my hubby now calls Mom with pride).
- I have been in a lot of abusive & unhealthy relationships in my time. I’ve been raped, beaten, & emotionally abused. Obviously what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
- Because of my past experience with abusive partners, it took me a long time to trust my husband & realize that he wasn’t just playing some drawn-out head game with me. This is why we were together for so long before we actually tied the knot. And this is also one of the reasons why I believe that everything happens for a reason. Without having gone through such hell before, I don’t think I’d appreciate this relationship nearly as much.
- I have suffered on & off from depression for a long, long time. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, ADD, & PTSD at 18. The doctors put me on a ridiculous regimen of pills, which I kept up with for about 5 years. They never really made me feel anything but worse (& crazier, although that could’ve had something to do with the psychological warfare waged on me by my significant others during that time) & in 2008, after many years of self-medicating along with the prescribed medication, I quit taking my meds. It’s been 3 years since I’ve been off of them & since then, I feel 100% better & have since heard about hormonal imbalances being misdiagnosed as psych disorders, so I wonder if that was the case. If so, thank you, Pregnancy, for setting my hormones straight.
- I am a former alcoholic & drug addict. It’s been 5 years that I’ve been clean off drugs & 3 years since I quit drinking like a fish, minus the occasional margarita or glass of wine.
- I have zero patience for people who are still hooked on drugs that use being messed up as their excuse for everything they do & want to say they “can’t” quit. No, you can, you just won’t. Save your excuses for someone who doesn’t know better. If me & my hubby can quit, anyone can.
- I love it when I get Rock Star parking (that’s front row for you folks who don’t know) at the grocery store, gas station, or Wal-Mart. Especially Wal-Mart.
- I am so very glad that I waited until I was 24 to have a child because I do not think I would’ve been a very awesome mom in my younger, wilder days.
- I love to bake, cook, & try out new recipes. My husband is actually the one who taught me a lot of how to cook & he also fosters my confidence in trying out new food adventures because he will eat 3 platefuls while telling me how awful it tastes.
- I seem to always be planning some big family event in the near future.
- I love taking pictures. I’ve taken 12,000 in the last 3 years.
- I am a fantastic bargain shopper & coupon clipper. Since I stay at home & handle all the bills & finances, I take it as a personal mission to find ways to save a little bit here & there.
- I am terrified of tornadoes. I wish more than almost anything that we had a storm cellar. I go into full-blown panic mode when we get the warning text on our cell. The sound of tornado sirens, even on TV, gives me goosebumps & makes all my hair stand up. My husband, on the other hand, is outside with the video camera capturing the excitement (or fishing. More on that later.).
- I would rather be doing almost anything besides cleaning.
About my husband, who we’ ll call the Meat Man. (Get your mind outta the gutter, I’m about to explain)
- He has been a meat cutter for 12 years & in fact, cut the last knuckle of his middle finger off while cutting pork chops the first year he was doing it.
- This is why people call him Nub. His coworkers also call him Taz (short for the Tasmanian Devil) because he is always running in a blur back & forth working so fast & hard.
- He is a very hard working man. He probably has the best work ethic of anyone I’ve ever met. Ever. This man will go to work with pneumonia, a hurt back, a tooth needing to be filled, or hungover as hell after a night of birthday partying. Pretty much the only thing that cripples him is a stomach virus, but even then, sometimes he will go into work & then get sent home.
- He loves music as much as I do. We’re always playing music & singing in this house.
- He is the kindest, sweetest, most caring partner & father a woman could ever ask for.
- He gets rather cranky without TV & a cold beer.
- He’s a big prankster. I’m very gullible & he loves to make me believe some wild story & then laugh at me because I believed him.
- He is one of 8 kids of 3 marriages. I told you I married into a huge family.
- He is awesome with kids. I think he’s probably the favorite uncle of all our nieces & nephews. His oldest stepbrother Matt is severely autistic & functions on the level of a 3-year-old, but him & my hubby are pals.
- I admire his sweet nature & big heart. He’s one of those people who’d give you the shirt off his back, even if he didn’t have another one, just because you need it more. I love that.
- While he may complain about being there for his family, he always is. All his sisters, brother, cousins, aunts or uncles, parents, or grandparents need to do is pick up the phone & call. He picks wildflowers for his crippled niece every spring & always picks extra to lay on his mom’s grave.
- His stepmother was the one he grew up calling Mom (b/c his birth mom is a worthless meth addict). When she died of cervical cancer in 2004, he got her name tattooed over his heart. I think this is the sweetest thing ever.
- He is my biggest fan & supporter. He’s always trying to find little ways to make me feel loved & special & sexy.
- We don’t really have big knock-down-drag-out fights because we are constantly bickering. And fortunately, we both have the same temper. We get mad, say mean things, feel terrible, avoid each other for a little bit, finally apologize, & then it’s over. Neither of us is a good grudge-holder.
- He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Hands down.
- He was married once before to a real abusive c*** (and I really don’t like to use that word), who I like to call the Psycho Dopewhore. She had an affair with his brother & has the nerve to still try to email him crying about her awful life & how much she wishes they could still be friends. Luckily (for her), he will not speak to her & she lives too far away for me to
beat into a comatrack down.
- He is addicted to fishing. When I say addicted, I mean that he is one of those
insanepeople that will go out fishing whether it’s 115 degrees or 20 degrees, rain or shine, sleet or hail, tornadoes or wind, 1 hour or 10 hours. If he hears the fish are biting, he’s gone. His favorite thing to say when he comes home empty-handed after a long trip is, “I got a s**tload of bites, I was trying to get just one to the bank.” One of our little jokes is that the only woman he’d ever leave me for is a fish. He has been out fishing while a tornado passed just a mile away & his justification was, “At least I’d have died happy.” I enjoy fishing, but not that much. Sorry, honey. I guess I’ll just never get it.
About my son, who we’ll call The Little Tyrant.
- He is 2 1/2 & he thinks he’s the King of the Universe.
- He was a surprise baby, conceived when my procrastinating self kept putting off going to the gynocologist to get a refill on my birth control.
- Although he was unplanned, he was a very happy surprise & is the light of our lives (most of the time).
- He is going to be our only child, for many personal reasons.
- He was the easiest baby ever. Never sick, never colicky, always sleeping through the night in his own crib since about 2 months old, always achieving milestones early & with gusto, unpicky eater, & very smart. I should’ve guessed that such an easy baby would turn into such a difficult toddler, but I never saw it coming.
- He is very independent & strong-willed. He doesn’t want our help with anything anymore. He likes to feed himself, dress himself, bathe himself, brush his own teeth, etc. Which is awesome, except that sometimes, certain things require a little parental help-out.
- He loves anything with wheels: cars, trucks, planes, trains, bikes, motorcycles. His other favorite things are dinosaurs, Mickey Mouse & Little Einsteins, Toy Story, Dr. Seuss books, &
terrorizingbossing our dogs around.
- Due to his strong will & quick temper, he spends quite a bit of time either in timeout or in his room.
- His favorite things to say lately: “No, I can’t” (which means he doesn’t want to), “Don’t say that! You go to timeout!”, “GET OUT MY ROOM!” (mostly to the dogs), “I wub (love) you”, “I help you?”, “I’m a good boy” (which almost always means he is about to do something naughty),”Yes, I want a spanking”, “I DO IT!”, “I got tears & snot”, & “Where’s Daddy?At work? No, Daddy’s fishing”
- He is constantly looking for the moon. His first sentence was, “Mommy, do you see the moon?”
- He has been sleeping in our (king-sized) bed for the last year. I should’ve stopped this habit a long time ago, but when it first started, he was still my little baby & I wasn’t ready for him to sleep in his big boy bed all by himself.
- He is an Aries/Ox. The poor thing couldn’t be more hard-headed or stubborn if he tried, I swear.
- He loves to help me with chores. I’m trying to encourage this, even though it takes 3 times as long to get anything done.
- His favorite song to sing is “Crazy Girl” by Eli Young Band. This is one of the songs my hubby serenades me with.
- He has to hug you on each side (“Hug. Another hug.”) before he will kiss you.
- He is the biggest drama queen on the face of the planet when he doesn’t get his way. First, he’ll screw his face up almost in slow motion as he glares at you with tears in his eyes, then he’ll throw himself backwards onto the floor & proceed to roll & thrash & cry & screech at the top of his lungs. This tactic sometimes works to get his way with his daddy, but usually not with me.
- He wakes up either happy or livid. There is no in between. And when he wakes up mad, he stays that way for a long time & there is nothing to be done to console him. You can offer him everything under the sun, he doesn’t care. The best thing you can do is make sure he’s somewhere safe (like his room), tell him you’re sorry he’s upset but you love him & he can come out whenever he feels better, & then just walk away & let him scream it out.
About my dogs, who we’ll call the Muttley Crew.
- Shadow is our oldest. She’s 5 1/2 years old & I’ve had her since before me & the Meat Man were even together. I got her as a 6-week-old pup in Galveston & she’s been my best buddy ever since. She was a terrorist as a puppy & finally settled down at about 2 years old. I never thought such a little terror would ever be such a wonderfully well-behaved dog. She is a pit bull/black lab mix & her nickname is Saint Shadow because she’s so wonderful with kids. While she was my dog originally, she betrayed me to favor the Meat Man. (I think it’s because he has meat & blood on his clothes, but shh, don’t tell him that) She loves to climb in bed & cuddle with me after the Meat Man leaves for work (provided she’s fed already). She’s also a huge instigator & is very, very smart. She knows exactly what to do to piss me off enough to wake up & get out of bed to feed her, & has generously passed this knowledge onto the younger two.
- Nub is our 7-month-old puppy. We adopted him from a local shelter about a month ago. He’s very skittish, was obviously abused by a man before he was here with us, & has trouble trusting that the Meat Man isn’t going to chop him up & grind him into hamburger meat every time that he comes home from work. At first, I was very worried that this barking & growling at the Meat Man would lead to biting, but he’s making some progress. He’s a black lab/pointer mix & is also fabulous with the Little Tyrant. It’s nice that he has all his adult teeth already & is very eager to please. He has decided that above all else, he is my dog & likes to cuddle with me more than anything. He loves to play & seems to have springs in his feet. He’s faster than the other 2 & just leaps over obstacles in the backyard like a little deer.
- Kujo is a 3-month-old puppy that was originally our friends’ dog & had to be left behind when they took the bus up to Michigan. He’s been hanging around us since he was a tiny pup, maybe 3-4 weeks old. He was obviously taken too early from his mom because he barely even had baby teeth when they got him. He’s a pit bull/lab mix also, I believe (I’ll be able to confirm this the bigger he gets). He’s like Shadow made over, it’s actually kind of funny most of the time. He is very smart & has learned a lot from watching the 2 big dogs. I hate his razor-sharp puppy teeth that he likes to chew on EVERYTHING with, but I am glad that he’s pretty much housebroken. As long as you hear him whining at the door, he usually makes it outside.
About this blog:
- I started this blog to vent, mostly. I love to write, but have trouble finding the time these days. I feel like it’s better for me to share my experiences than to suffer alone. And hey, if I can make someone laugh, all the better.